Challenges in forgiving can be among the most painful experiences.
It doesn’t take long to run across something or someone that is hard to forgive. Such times can seem dark, lonely, and full of painful wounding.
And the journey to the freedom in forgiveness can be long.
But you are not the only one to experience a deep trial in forgiveness. In working with others’ experiences — as well as my own — there is much pain but also God’s promise and presence.
And there is hope.
A Friend Begins the Journey of Forgiveness
A person gracious to serve others, my friend was willing to let me share a bit of the experience. We were discussing some of those difficult times of forgiveness and what it felt like. The image of long storms with wind and rain came to mind.
The challenge is that many of these “storms” don’t necessarily rise to a hurricane level — but nor do they let up very quickly either.
So they go on…and on…and on. Nicking away at our peace, our sense of being a child of God, and our relationships.
Journeys of forgiveness are especially captivating in those who have lived and followed Jesus a long time. They know the challenges of suffering in the hurts. Their experience in years of life and faith is no fake shine; they see the real sides to life in the hopeful way of Ecclesiastes, without giving way to cynicism.
But that does not mean it’s easy.
When the Hurt Comes from the Church
Such hurts can occur anywhere. But when it’s from the people that are the church, the wounds can be deeply etched.
Why do the wounds from the church — individual or more corporately — seem to cause such deep pain? A common question with many over the years, whether a Christian or not. Part of the answer seems to be that we look to the church as a place — a people — that will be different. In the midst of the pains of God’s Kingdom not-fully-come yet, we look (hopefully) for the church to be an experience of the lighthouse in the midst of the storms. A brief refuge from the challenges.
Instead it may be the place where we experience a betrayal, lies said about us, or other challenges. As the church, it seems they “should have known better.” It may carry the weight of the story of Hagar (Gen 16). She experienced a horrible wrong and injustice due to her position. And it is from someone who is supposed to be a godly representative but is abusing power.
It was one of those that my friend was sharing. One of people trusted. Leaned upon. Sacrificed for. The wound running deep.
But there was still a desire to follow Jesus, seeking to prevail in forgiveness despite the hurt.
In the Forgiveness Desert: The God Who Sees You
In that journey, this friend lived well the understanding that as followers of Christ we want to be generous in forgiveness. That the Gospel speaks deeply of sin in the world — and in us.
Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
— Matthew 6:12-14
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
— Matthew 7:1-5
But that’s not easy.
As we press on, it is comforting to practice realizing that God sees us in the long journey — the desert moments of forgiveness. Like Hagar, we gaze up into the hot sun, looking at a dreary landscape devoid of (much) vegetation and wonder if this effort in forgiveness is ever going to end.
It is here where we see how God met Hagar in the desert — the place to which she was cast out. Alone, rejected, and shamed. But in the midst of this, God sees her far off, ministers by an angel, and He becomes known by her as El Roi — the God who sees.
A “seeing” that is not condemning but affirms. That sense that God does see us each personally…and in whatever way we each may struggle.
3 Reasons Forgiveness Can Be Exhausting
- Forgiveness experiences vary because each of us sees situations differently. For one person something may be light while for another it may be almost traumatic. There are different predispositions to trauma or other factors tied up in genetics, family of origin, and other factors. There are different temperaments and life experiences, so we have to realize how each person experiences the trial is important to the process of forgiveness. And our discipleship needs to “see” the person where they are first.
- Hard forgiveness is often bound up in themes of shame and “should’s.” These themes make our internal world stormy. We do not know where to turn. Or we feel “less than Christian” to share it with a friend or pastor to help us. We feel we “should” have it all figured out. Or our church becomes a place where instead of mercy one must present a mask of spiritual prowess to be respected.
- The betrayal of a close friend.
- The pressure that you experience with family to put on the “perfect” holiday dinner.
- The co-worker’s comment that slights you or how they ignore you.
- Our spiritual enemy likes to keep us locked in unforgiveness. It is often subtle.
- They remind you how undeserving the person or people are.
- How much you’ve given to them but it is not being returned.
- How deep the wound is in you.
- How the wrongs you have done aren’t as bad.
And, in the midst of that, the enemy keeps us from seeing the depth of God’s love and forgiveness — for them AND for you.
Living in God’s love is not easy. But as we live in it, forgiveness can come.
As we move from part 1, I leave you with 1 John 4:15-16 “If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.” (emphasis mine)
In whatever the wound, take a moment to rely on God’s love. Not because you performed well or you forgave (or didn’t forgive) but simply because He loves from who HE is.
God’s love is the starting point as we explore some practical steps in forgiving next time.
NEXT TIME
We will look beyond the “why” into how we can begin taking practical steps in forgiveness in the next steps of this person’s story.
Special Note:
Forgiving can be exhausting. Prompted from real people’s experiences, this two-part series recognizes no easy answers but offers hope. Some wrongs need special love, healing, and care. If you find yourself in such a place, reach out to someone. See your pastor, find professional help or see a spiritual director who can help you begin a journey of forgiveness.
