Raising children is hard. Raising teens or transitioning to young adulthood with them is harder. They have particular needs as they cross these important thresholds.
How can we make good connections?
The Challenge in Developing a Good Relationship with Your Teen or Young Adult
This critical time of life calls for awareness of two elements. One is structure and direction while the other is granting them freedom and learning (& failing).
Both are essential. They will call for your own growth and maturing, spiritually as well as relationally and emotionally. The dynamics of this are in various fascinating comments and places in the biblical story with a few of those being:
- Colossians 3:21 is variously translated with the same strong warning for a father not to embitter, exasperate, or provoke their child.
- God has revealed Himself as a Father in all the various expressions of affection, grace, mercy, and even discipline. (And it’s good to reflect on His goodness in all those.)
- David’s complicated relationship with his children with themes of backroom throne conspiracies, sexual misconduct, and his lack of intervention in these complicated family dynamics.
- A similar passivity or lack of confrontation by the priest Eli with his sons.
As these biblical examples (which are just a few) remind, the skills of parenting call for a parent’s maturity that results in healthy interaction. This benefits both the parent and the young person.
But as we know there can be easier and harder places to do this. More than a few things can cause struggles or distract:
- Time available
- Busyness from work (whether house, home, or outside work)
- Who the person is (personality, etc.)
- Avoidance of conflict
- False guilt about parenting that results in indulging the child
The best relationships are expressed with a sense of boundaries and intimacy that mainly grows from the roots of your maturity.
The best relationships are expressed with a sense of boundaries and intimacy that mainly grows from the roots of your maturity.
So if it is especially about us as parents, what should we look at?
4 Questions for You in Developing a Good Relationship with Your Teen or Young Adult
It all starts with you. There are various ways to avoid being reactive or acting from immaturity. And God often works on us before He touches others’ lives by us. So we look at ourselves first and how we can be aware of reactive or immature responses. Here are a couple themes quickly laid out.
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How is your own (not their) maturity and differentiation of self?
- Your Identity Bound with Their’s: Is your feeling good tied into how they perform in particular areas (sports, grades, music, specific job, etc.)?
- Drawing Boundaries: When is it hard for you to draw lines or consequences for the young person?
- Failure/Mistakes: Are you willing to let your child fail (and, as a result, learn)?
- God’s Plans or Yours: Are you able to pray for God’s purpose and plans for them (even if it does not fit your plan or desires)?
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What is your example?
- Can you say no? Your no’s not only help your child learn to be self-controlled but is an example that there are times and places for particular things.
- When are you “off” or very reactive? Knowing when NOT to have an immediate conversation shows self-control and self-awareness. And know your best times to talk or deal with problems.
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Is there a relationship beyond your talks (or school planning, activities, etc.)?
- Having shared activities, whatever they are, helps a relationship for the long run. You will find this is key as it may be essential to share when other areas of your relationship are not going well, especially in the teen years. Try a memorable movie, favorite game, or annual activity you can do more with.
- When was the last time you appreciated who they are (sent an affirmation, encouraging note, or a scripture verse that was just for them)?
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Is your knowing and following God for you… or to be an example to them?
- Is the motivation of your faith life to have your kids grow up to be “good kids”? Especially teens and young adults in this generation can taste inauthentic or even fakeness. You can’t do it for them (or anyone else). Keep your relationship with God sincere and own the dry spells.
- Do you share even the tough parts of your faith life with the teen/young adult? Sometimes our faith life can become about preserving our image. But teens and young adults benefit from hearing from us (especially!) when things are difficult in following God. One way God won’t waste your challenges is in encouraging them.
There is far more to maturity than just acting like it. It is helping move toward a sense of wholeness and holiness in drawing deeply from Jesus’ life (Galatians 2:20). And your example and relationship with them helps set a course.
Yes, the path of raising a young person to maturity is hard. Hard on them but also on you. But God will grow you by the process too.
God often works on us before He touches others’ lives by us.
