This is part of a 3-part series on tools in conflict.
- Part 1: A personal lesson on how to follow Jesus into “emptying” ourselves in conflict.
- Part 2: Explore “triangulation” (a core symptom of unhealthy conflict), what to watch for, and what to do for others — and yourself.
Ever look back and wish you had dealt with a situation of conflict differently?
I have.
For the hardest conflicts, it can seem, in the moment, like there are not many options. Not much can be done.
But how you go into it is key.
Reactiveness Results: Cutoff Or Curiosity
Unfortunately, conflict is too often not about us proactively choosing a response and more about impulsive reacting. The stimulation of emotion and (too many) thoughts flood us. And it all multiplies if we are close to the person. All this leads to a need to find some sort of way out to release the tension such as in triangulation with others.
Unfortunately, conflict is less about us proactively choosing a response and more about — sometimes unconsciously even — reacting.
In that moment we are overwhelmed internally even when we don’t show it externally.
What Cutoff is and When It’s Okay
One common response is to withdraw — separate — from the person, situation or thing. The unhealthy extreme of this is the choice of cutoff.
This ultimately short-circuits your growth and healing. But you are not alone in doing it. It shows up in the biblical story. We see themes of cutoff in:
- Adam and Eve’s hiding from God after their sin.
- Elijah’s self-pity under the pressure of Jezebel’s threat.
- In an unusually fatal expression, David’s passion for Bathsheba leads him to kill her husband Uriah.
- Judas’ isolation and ultimate suicide after his betrayal of Jesus.
For us, it can look like various things:
- Triangling a third person in but it’s in an unhealthy way.
- A quiet whisper in your heart of wishing them the worst or their failure.
- Moving from your neighborhood or community — or even just from the table.
But we also need to note there are times it may be good:
- If we know we will react foolishly.
- It is (or almost) is a traumatic-level event for you.
- It is not safe.
The expressions can be big or little with some internally unseen while others are externally witnessed. But there is another choice as we follow Jesus in such times.
Paul’s Wisdom Around Conflict and Cutoff
One approach that can be very helpful is using curiosity. It sounds like a strange one but hang with me here.
First, what’s going on in a cutoff? Cutoff often comes from being too linked to someone — they need to think or feel like you. So when they don’t you feel that much more stress.
But in curiosity, we begin to observe and ask questions about what is going on. It allows a situation or person to be someone we are with rather than someone we are too entwined.
It allows a situation or person to be someone we are with rather than someone we are too entwined.
I fully admit this is not an easy response to practice but it can help change the tone of conflict. How? By changing your internal as well as spiritual response.
One example of this is by Paul in Philippians 3. In this section, the early part captures a good glimpse into how Paul thought about life and ministry. And in the midst of this he notes:
All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained. – Philippians 3:15-16
In reading this you can hear the nonanxious presence fruit of his abiding in Christ (never easy to develop but it is possible). We see Paul do a couple things that can change how we think about conflict or differences spiritually and theologically.
- Creates space for them not to be in full agreement.
- Recognizes conflict is often part of the journey of growth with God.
- Affirms the role of God in making things clear (it’s not all about us).
- Refocuses people from looking at others to looking at themselves and the call to “live up” to what they know.
How to Change Your Thinking Theologically in Conflict
Using Paul’s notes here are some questions to help prompt more curiosity. Pick one and try it in the moment when you feel you are losing hope or becoming discouraged or, at the other end of the spectrum, rising in anger. These parallel each of the points we found with Paul above.
- Am I requiring this person to think and feel as I do to have relationship?
- Is there a way this person is growing (or may be stuck in their growth)? Can I come alongside them in some way?
- What may God be doing in this? How can I pray for His work in their life?
- Looking beyond them or their poor behavior, am I living up to what God has taught me?
“Doing” often feels good or more productive but prayerful reflection is essential. But after looking at your own theological thinking, these may be helpful as for “doing”.
- Watch for how the conflict may trigger something from your own past. Often “big” emotions are coming from something MUCH more than this moment.
- Push yourself, in the moment of conflict, to ask questions. Not only does this help us engage in a thoughtful way but it helps engage our more logical side of our brain so the emotion doesn’t rule.
- Realize the conflict might be something other than you — maybe something deep in their past that predisposes them in not dealing with conflict well. Be curious about that person’s story.
Conflict is never easy but our faith speaks too. That God is at work. That the impact of sin and brokenness (not just their’s — our’s too!) is real. And that we can bring His Kingdom ways into the challenges.
Check Out the Series
This is part of a 3-part series on tools in conflict.
- Part 1: A personal lesson on how to follow Jesus into “emptying” ourselves in conflict.
- Part 2: Explore “triangulation” (a core symptom of unhealthy conflict), what to watch for, and what to do for others — and yourself.
- Part 3 (here): Four practical points for using curiosity over cutoff coming from Paul in Philippians 3:15-16.
Photo by Ethan Sees from Pexels
