Valentine’s Day remembers the most idealistic hopes of love and relationship while living the nitty-gritty reality of everyday life. It can be an experience of being “broken together.”
Some of you may not be a person of faith (and we’re glad you are here!). But, for me, faith enriches the very practical elements of living in marriage. There are challenges in Christian marriage just like for anyone who is married regardless of faith.
So how does the heavenly faith in Christ impact the very earthy grit of life and marriage?
Love is in Action, Not Just Words: “BUT I TELL MY SPOUSE I LOVE HIM/HER.”
God reached out in love with words and message. But also in the incarnation, Christ’s coming in the flesh. This is one of the main things we celebrate and reflect on during the Christmas season.
So, too, your love goes beyond words. It is an embodied experience for us with three parts to any message: 1) content (7%); 2) tone of voice (38%); and 3) nonverbal communication (55%). (Yes, that’s right, 55%!).*
So your actions and incarnate communication is more important than the vocal.
As John reminds, “let us not love with words or speech but in actions and in truth.” (1 John 3:18). Along with acts of service and affection, one area that is harder to talk about is expressing your love in marriage sexually. It is an important incarnate expression of love that is offered as a gift to one another and is not to be ignored or used to manipulate (1 Corinthians 7:2-5).
And, as you may have experienced, hearing that you are loved is more meaningful when we experience loving acts too. And this is how God showed His love through the embodied presence of Jesus.
Love Knows Sin & Brokenness Happens: “BUT MY SPOUSE HAS PROBLEMS.”
Sin impacts your spouse. And, if you are honest, you too. A Christian view humbly recognizes that we all fall short of the wonder and original intention of God’s plan for humanity (Romans 3:23).
So why are we surprised that the hard part of the vows happen (bad times, sickness, worse, and poor times)?
Instead of grace to one another, the temptation is to come with justice. A marriage in Christ is more like the song “Broken Together”; we walk with one another in our brokenness. Colossians 3:13 reminds “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Seek help for habitual problems but realize that, like our Lord, forgiveness is offered repeatedly (Matthew 18:21-35).
Love Doesn’t Quit: “BUT I AM JUST NOT HAPPY IN MY MARRIAGE. IT’S UNFULFILLING.”
In general our culture defines marriage (and much of life) in themes of immediate gratification, fulfillment, or happiness. So love instead of being something proactive or given (as God’s example) is something reactive, defined by what someone else does.
Yet Paul expressed how a life lived in Christ can find peace and contentment in hard earthly situations (Phil. 4:10-13). But contentment apart from Christ tends to move in waves.
For example, interesting research over 132 countries identified that there are seasons of greater and lesser life satisfaction by age (even a U-shaped curve). Sorry 47.2-year-olds—you are the “peak year of misery”). But, then it begins to increase again with a peaking at 82-85!
Finding our contentment in God provides an unchanging foundation to live our lives from when they go up and down.
Love Always Hopes: “BUT I DON’T THINK THINGS WILL EVER GET BETTER.”
Jesus himself suffered and persevered, knowing the hope that was before him (Hebrews 12:2). Likewise, marriages have crosses…and, in Christ, crosses also have resurrections. Even ours.
When our marriages get hard, we can learn to suffer well. Remember that the pains of this world remind us of a time when they won’t be (Romans 8:23). (And abusive situations are a different conversation.)
Realize God is not just God in the easy moment but in the hard. There is a dying before there is life. There is a cross before a resurrection.
What It Means for Today: A Few Ideas
Strengthen your marriage:
- Grow your own relationship with Christ. No spouse can fill the places God alone can.
- Engage the Word daily together with a couple’s devotional.
- Remember your spouse as a sister/brother-in-Christ, not just a husband or wife. (If your spouse is not a follower of Jesus, remember that God is expressing the gospel through you (1 Corinthians 7:12-16).
- Seek counseling for trials. Don’t stay stuck! Listen to your spouse if they are struggling and agree to seek help. If one counselor doesn’t work (which is not uncommon), try another.
- Live love. Express it with your actions. A smile. A hug. Surprise with an intimate evening.
- What fellow Christian might help encourage and pray with/for you in the hard days?
- Actively forgive. Don’t wallow in reactive disgruntledness.
God’s not done yet! In this season, treasure the marriage call God has given you. And the person He has provided you to grow in Christ with.
May God bring new things in your love and marriage! May He resurrect in areas where it is “dead”. May He grant His presence to sustain you in the hard ones. Amen.
*While many have quoted this there are some who disagree with the exact percentages.Photo by Roselyn Tirado on Unsplash 
