“How did you know to get married?”
Over coffee, someone asked about the process of deciding who to marry. From my various experiences, that got me thinking. I have a crossroads of experiences in being married, my study in a Christian theology of relationships, and a lot of time with couples in premarital and postmarital counseling. All of these offer helpful insights.
Not surprisingly, this question can come up in both formal and informal ways. Whether for yourself, a general teenage growing up question, or a premarital counseling discussion, it can come out in our various roles as parents, friends, grandparents, or pastors. With an often earnest hope (even need at times!) for insight or feedback, we all want to give a wise response.
And a worthy reflection in these times around Valentine’s Day.
So how do we start to consider such a huge call that has such lifelong impacts?
More Than a Tax Bracket: A Vision of Marriage
Marriage had an originally beautiful picture with wonderful opportunity still today. It is a special union!!
Marriage is an incarnation of a spiritual promise.
But, at the same time, we cannot overly spiritualize. Marriage is an incarnation of a spiritual promise. It is a place where we see the truth that His will be done on earth as it is heaven. It is where the Kingdom begins to be brought on this earth and overlap on earth as a couple lives out their union through joys and challenges.
6 Lenses: Should I Marry This Person?
With that, here are some significant reflections, only in a very loose order, if you are discerning whether to marry someone (or are giving insight to your teen or someone else).
- Callings of Singleness: In my own marriage journey this was a real question. For many, it is not really considered while for others it is easy to see. But there should be an active discernment on this from a Christian perspective. Many cultures express a high value on a “coupled” life but Paul noted, without vilifying marriage, that singleness allowed a special devotion to the Lord (1 Corinthians 7, especially verses 32-35). So it’s good to stop and ask if this might be for you.
- Special Affection/”Holy” Call: Marriage is not just about hanging out with a friend. We enter into an active choice and a high commitment. Is there a special affection and attraction (physical, emotional, relational) for the other person? How about them toward you? “Holy” means “set apart.” Is there a “holy” call (a setting apart) for one another? In this, we are not talking about romantic feelings, which are only at times. This special affection sets these people apart to one another in a way that their other relationships do not express.
- Same Mission: What is your sense of what God is calling you, in life and for your ministry/service in life? Are you headed in the same direction? If one person is called to school teaching in an urban context and another to being a medical professional to remote people in another country, it may not work. (Or these could come together in some way…God works in His own ways!) God writes these things in our hearts for a reason so it is important to consider them in prayerful marriage discernment— BEFORE you get married.
- Kingdom Better Together: Will God’s Kingdom be further expressed and served in a life together? Is the Kingdom better for you serving together rather than apart? This theme came out for us so much that we had a line in our marriage invitation acknowledging it. A marriage that follows God will result in:
- You both serving His work together.
- Each of you helping bring the other further toward the image of Jesus that one is being formed toward (Romans 8:29). (And remember: It is not just the things that feel good when you are together. It will also be in some of the challenges your spouse may bring for you. God doesn’t waste anything.)
- Others’ Thoughts/Wisdom: When we are called to Christ, we are called to a community, in mission with and to others. So no marriage decision or discernment should be entirely on our own. It is important to ask others for their prayerful impressions and observations. And to listen to them.
When we are called to Christ, we are called to a community, in mission with, and to, others.
- Theologically Compatible: If you are a follower of Jesus, joining with someone who is also a follower is important. After that, even if both of you are in the historic, orthodox Christian beliefs (the “essentials” as Augustine called them), are you in alignment on some of the other less essential beliefs? Are there specific convictions? Talk to your pastor to explore some of these and help you identify them. If there is a strong difference, you either need to work through that before marriage or realize it is something that may be pointing you away from one another.
These are a few points I’ve found helpful or learned from both the serious and humorous experiences with other couples. (And a good sense of humor is important to a long term married life!) Deciding who to marry doesn’t guarantee happiness but these types of steps can help move toward healthiness.
Deciding who to marry doesn’t guarantee happiness but these types of steps can help move toward healthiness.
Hope that gives you some ideas to pray over and lenses to explore next steps. Of course, you can find various discussions on this topic, including this one from Gary Thomas on two questions.
May God give us all wisdom whether in our own marriage decisions or speaking and teaching others about this.
There are many different lists or ideas so feel free to leave some of your thoughts or comments below. Or leave a topic you would like to explore below.
Photo by Jasmine Carter from Pexels
