It was a busy time of life and I got caught.
To adjust Paul’s wise saying, I was absent in mind but present in the body. Between work and life in general, I was preoccupied. One of my young kids was talking to me and I gave some passive ways of expressing I had heard him, such as an “I’m listening” head nod.
But my mind came smacking back into my body as I heard “Dad, you aren’t really listening.”
Ouch.
Whether it is our parenting, marriage, or work or friendships, listening is important. And important to communicate it.
Hearing vs. Listening (Well)
How can we understand listening? One way to catch this dynamic of relationship is through comparison of “hear” and “listen”.
This classic approach recognizes there is overlap but also distinction. In many ways, you can say that the difference is that “hear” is a function while “listen” is an interaction. “Hear” is what you do but “listen” is how you relate. This captures the sense that to really be with someone calls for presence and attention. [1]
But it is challenging to live out.
Why Do We Struggle with Listening?
In looking at my story above, it would be easy to say it is busyness. But there is a more subtle element to this. Even if I slow down or have time, it may not mean I am present.
And we can fool ourselves to think just having more time will correct the issue. But various pieces can cause a breakdown in our listening.
- Emotionally fried: This can come from busyness or it can be a small issue in time but big in impact on your life (a disease, a relationship that’s in conflict, etc.).
- Technology buzzes or notifications: Our tech tools offer huge opportunities but they can also train our brains for lack of attention through a desire for stimulation.
- Selfishness: Our heart disposition can become about us. Sometimes due to pain or struggle and sometimes just the waywardness of our heart.
So how can we turn our attention to the other person?
Live with a sense that God is in the interruptions.
3 Tips to Listening Well
Here are three ideas for helping you listen well:
- Live as If God Guides Your Day: Often we having trouble slowing down to listen because we are rushing to the next thing. What if God has orchestrated that moment and your act of faithfulness and love is to listen? Living with a sense that God is in the interruptions will help you focus.
- Be Aware of Your Nonverbal Expression: Are you like a carved statue in your responses to a discussion? Try things like nodding your head, uncrossing your arms, or considering the look on your face (as well as their’s). This helps keep you engaged too.
- Practice Active Listening: Express and engage the person with your words: asking a question or (especially in controversial or hard topics) clarifying what they are saying with a simple “So what I hear you saying is…”.
What helps you listen well?
[1] It’s worth nothing that a biblical picture of “hear” is different and captures a sense of listening. Consider Deuteronomy 6:1-9’s use of “hear” for an example.
