Series Summary: This Holiday Family Conflict series looks at two core reasons why it happens (part 1), ideas for dealing with it (part 2), and key questions to help discern what to do (part 3). This can be a tough season for some, so please share this with those facing hard situations in any holiday season.
The holidays are coming! And there is no time of year with greater possibility for extreme experiences.
This quick-moving holiday season of Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year drops us into a variety of family experiences. And this can be tied to extremes — from an idyllic vision in a Folger’s coffee Christmas (or the classic one) to equally dramatic dysfunction.
There are tools and ideas to help with conflict with other places but family situations can be more difficult. The emotional and dramatic elements, plus the pressure of holiday joy, can undo us.
It is a big help to have a way to process family conflict in major holiday gatherings like we are headed into whether Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, or even out to Easter and others.
This potential variety of family experience — and not knowing which will happen — is overwhelming. A follower of Jesus believes things can be different but it can be hard to hold onto that hope! And, where things can’t be different, we hope the peace of Christ comes through us.
And part of preparing for this is understanding why it happens.
#1: 6 Causes of Your Holiday Pressure
Conflict and stress ripple out at any point. But this holidays season is even more so. A few of the factors that play in:
- Pressures of our hopes and dreams for the holidays — or unfulfilled ones.
- Pressures of what to give (or even figuring out what NOT to give!)
- Time-crunch, including the “get-to-all-the-family” holiday visits
- Unspoken family “secrets” that affect the family dynamics or interactions — even across generations
- The diversity of people gathering, often without enough relational deposits in the rest of the year for any conflict.
Throw all this in and your emotional and energy bucket can become very thin. Then a (bonus) sixth one occurs where the result of family conflict ripples into your good relationships. For example, an unhealthy issue with your father quickly empties your bucket and soon you are in conflict with your healthy relationships with your spouse or child.
So which of these six may happen for you? Check out Part 2 for ideas on how to prepare now.
But it’s not just all about you.
#2: 3 Types of “People Lenses” in Holiday Family Conflict
A warning before we jump in. It is easy for us to externalize our challenges onto other people — to blame. So the danger of this information below is to use it ONLY to look at others when it may be good for you to look at YOURSELF on this. Our sight (and insight) is limited but God sees in ways we don’t.
How can we engage this humbly? In general, people judge others by their actions but themselves by their intentions. So please engage these lenses with humility and awareness of your own faults and imperfections. Come as a conduit of God’s love and grace — bring His Kingdom work to another, even those you don’t get along. (Part 2 will offer some ideas.)
People usually judge others by their actions but themselves by their intentions.
Henry Cloud, a Christian psychologist and leadership development expert, provides what I have found to be a useful, if surprisingly simple, approach. It captures many of the situations that have proven most difficult or painful for the stories I have run into.
At the core are three types of people. Identifying the person you are having conflict with is essential to responding well. And identifying if YOU are showing characteristics is essential too!
Identifying the person you are having conflict with is essential to responding well. And identifying if YOU are showing characteristics is essential too!
From biblical reflections, including the wise and foolish builders, the three types are:
Evil:
- Knows how to (and even enjoys) causing pain or trouble.
- Denies a need to change or blames others for conflict.
- Lack of empathy or a self-centeredness keeps from restoring or reconciling a relationship.
- Why? We all experience sin and doing evil but it is also helpful to note that repeated elements can also come from personality disorders or mental health issues, such as narcissism, passive-aggressive patterns, etc.
Foolish:
- Doesn’t realize they are causing pain or trouble (or even what they are doing to cause it).
- When told or taught, they are willing to change.
- Willing to restore or reconcile relationships (an apology, etc.).
- Why? It may not be a conscious choice such as lack of experience, cognitive delays, etc.
Wise:
- Attentive to relationships even before there is a problem.
- When told, they acknowledge wrong with growing and learning (apologize, problem solve, etc.)
- Look for ways to restore or reconcile with the person.
- Motivated by humility and love for people and God’s good Kingdom ways.
- Why? Learned from past mistakes and lives with a healthy dose of humility (including grace for others that are not where they are at yet). A strongly rooted identity in Christ bearing fruit in maturing as a Christian is the best soil.
Anyone in your family interactions come to mind? How about yourself? If so, what do we do with each of these? That’s next.
Next Time: How to Respond to the Three Types Plus Ideas for a Peaceful Family Holiday
Resource: Holiday Family Conflict And Relationship Challenges: Finding Some Peace On Earth (Or How To Have Goodwill Toward All) This includes five ways to think in more Christian ways in conflict or challenge.
