Ah, the holidays! Great food (pumpkin pie and fudge, anyone?), gratefulness, colored lights, remembering God is with us (Immanuel), heart-warming movies, and family.
But, for many in this season, that last one can be tough. Whether it’s a history of family conflict in the family you you grew up, in-law relationship challenges, or other difficult dynamics, the brightness of a holiday can quickly become a fog of disappointment in our relationships.
The brightness of a holiday can quickly become a fog of disappointment in our relationships.
The dynamics, as well as dysfunctions, of family challenges occur whether in person or virtually over an online call. But the uniqueness of this COVID year may be different but can be a good time to grow and learn. One element of online holidays are built in boundaries and limitations. And, especially for very unhealthy dynamics, those limits may provide a good healing environment for you to practice new approaches.
But, first, what are some ways the challenges happen?
- Pressured conversations.
- Lack of acceptance.
- Being told what to do or shamed.
- Overzealous religious or political conversations.
- Not being treated like the adult you’ve become (or, as a young person, you are treated in a condescending manner).
Sometimes you can’t even identify what is affecting you — you just know the holiday season does not “feel” positive.
5 “D’s” to Know If This is You
Wondering if this is you? Here are some ways to identify it.
- Dread: There is a sense of oppressive weight on you as you come to such visits.
- Depression: A real sense of struggle that casts your soul into viewing your wider life in discouraging ways.
- Different: You begin acting different when you are with other people. Sometimes the best diagnostic is an observation from a friend or a spouse. “What’s the matter? You seem more (down, angry, eating a lot, short-tempered, etc.).”
- Disagreeable: In your work or family life, the days leading up to the visit find others avoiding you or noting a change in your behavior.
- Depleted: When you get to the end of the holidays, you find your rhythm of life off. Whether physically or emotionally, it takes you days, or a week or two, to get back to normal. (Note: This can also be a natural response to being “off” your usual daily rhythms, eating different (unhealthy?) foods, late night hanging out, and other holiday practices.)
So this all leads you to three options.
- Don’t go or talk to these people anymore. (Which can get more awkward the more time goes on because, usually, you have to be in contact in some way. You’ve just put more pressure on the next time you “have to” be there.)
- Go as usual and be exhausted (or frustrated or stressed or [insert other negative experience]).
- Grow and mature in new ways in spiritual and emotional maturity that allow you to deal with the dysfunctions and injustices.
“But I Still Want to Be with Them (or I Have to Be)?”
Great! You want to explore this further. Uncomfortable situations can be some of God’s best places for us to grow.
One concept that has greatly helped me in relationships and leadership is family systems. This field of study considers the “group”, whether a family, congregation, workplace or other form. In this, it is core to remember that no family is perfect. This results in two notes:
- First, it’s not a matter of “if” there are dysfunctions in your family — in a broken world there are. It is more about where those dysfunctions are. And if the group is aware of them. And if they want to deal with them. (The much harder side to all this.)
- Second, it’s not just you. You are not alone in your experience. Every family has some things that are off.
Each family has a pattern of relationship that is created over time. These patterns shape engagements that form their time together. This is why when you go home for a holiday or a visit, you may begin to act more like a younger person even though you were going to be different “this time”.
While also blessed, it is a broken world so it is important to remind yourself that this may not be due to evil or malicious intent. It is just the way a group of people begin to form connection together and function together.
It is like Paul’s teaching about the body and many parts (1 Corinthians 12; Romans 12). In perfect form, it is the mystery of the Trinity; three persons but one God. There is an individual side but also a connected, group side. But God alone lives in that perfect dance of love and relationship that allows the “each” to be who they are.
And, like Paul’s body/many parts, it is essential to know that affects the other. No matter how much we deny it.
This is where a family systems concept was developed in how we are a “self-in-relationship” (fancy term: Differentiation of Self). The idea is that you can be connected to others while maintaining a sense of your “self”. That you do not need to trade off on connecting nor trade off on being you or what you think.
Paul describes such a moment in Philippians 3:15-16. In this, he recognizes that there are some differences in how others are thinking. But he allows for differences. And allows those differences to be worked on by God, not him. And then he points to what their responsibility is: live up to what they know, where they are.
All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained. – Philippians 3:15-16
Whether work, family, or a congregational family, you can’t isolate from all the relationships that are hard. They usually are all hard at some point. What can be different is how you function and connect. Here are some things you can try:
- Allow others to be different. Realize that some times we are upset or responding poorly because we are trying to have others live out our templates. You wished they didn’t try to force you into a mold — but possibly you are trying to force them into your mold.
- Allow yourself to be different. Sometimes we feel emotionally compelled and this is where the pressure comes. But it is okay to be a person that is growing and changing. And any growth, which is change, will have tension for yourself as well as others. Remind yourself: That’s normal. And keep prayerfully persevering.
- When with tense relationships, take a 10-15 minute (or more) “retreat” as often as you need. Our brains can be so wired with the friction of the past that stepping away proactively before you are overwhelmed can become a place of healing. Go for a walk. Gather your thoughts. Pray. But give yourself some time to recuperate. This is especially important if you are an introvert who reenergizes by yourself.
- During the time, ask a friend or prayer partner to connect with you. If it is particularly hard to get this going, ask a friend or mentor (or anyone who understands) if you can give them a call for a 10-minute processing of your time every once in a while over the time away. This offers you a rest and gives you a peace knowing such moments are available. And there can even be some “brain re-wiring” in being “heard” and in contact with someone who cares and listens. (Think Roman 12’s “be transformed by the renewing of your mind”.)
- Be aware of the ways you think. There are patterns that are not useful that we can observe, identify, and correct. Check out this article on 4 Ways to Stop Toxic Thoughts During the Holidays.
There are no easy or pat answers for the complexity of relationship. But there is a God that can go with you and help you live up to what you have “already attained”.
If you would like to leave a note below, I am sure myself and others would be glad to pray for you this holiday season.
Good to be on the journey with you!
Image credit: Photo by fauxels from Pexels
