Series Summary: This Holiday Family Conflict series looks at two core reasons why it happens (part 1), ideas for dealing with it (part 2), and key questions to help discern what to do (part 3). This can be a tough season for some, so please share this with those facing hard situations in any holiday season.
For some, family gatherings carry difficult challenges. Last time we explored critical parts of the holiday season that make it hard. But after exploring all that, the question becomes “What can we do to make the time a little better?” So we’ll take a look at:
- 3 ways to prepare yourself
- Tips for relationships with the evil, foolish, and wise
#1: Prepare Yourself
It is key to prepare yourself for a difficult time. What we do beforehand is critical to our holiday family experience. Here are two ideas.
What’s Your Focus?
Our experience is shaped by how we think and what we focus on. As we discussed last time, family and especially some holidays, like Christmas, carry great hopes and dreams.
How can we not focus on them? But having things in the right order is essential.
All of our relationships function better when we have God as that first focus, first relationship, first source of life. The vision is captured here:
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal. –Isaiah 26:3-4
This describes how peace is found as you focus your mind. But not just anywhere — on God. This part points to a path or progression:
Trust in God —> Focused Mind —> Perfect Peace.
And the trust and focus on God is not just for a holiday trial. It is with a view of ongoing trusting (“forever”) that we reset our perspective and life on God over any other relationship or situation.
Any (Unspoken) Expectations/Assumptions?
As you head to your family gathering what are you expecting?
Steve Cuss, pastor and author, provides reflections on how reactivity comes from losing sight of God’s presence. He identifies some key ways the unexpressed areas show themselves:
- Your assumptions (about yourself, others, situations, etc.) and motivations of others
- Unspoken expectations
- Unspoken values
- Knee-jerk interpretations of situations
Whether actively practiced or unconsciously lived, these do not set us up (nor our family) well. And we will be reactive to whatever does NOT live up to that. Share your expectations of what you will be doing or what you hope as it may be appropriate. They may change or integrate your ideas. But don’t leave them unsaid. Or at least acknowledge how you can’t be too disappointed since you never told anyone. (Yes, even that humble acknowledgement can help cope.)
So be aware of your expectations — and what is spoken and unspoken.
Rooted in Being a Child of God?
Some situations are especially painful and are experiences of rejection whether from a parent, a sibling, an in-law, etc. But God’s affection for you is not passing nor changing. We can throw ourselves into God’s hands.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
-Psalm 27:9-10
God’s love, care, and presence to you is not because of what you do but because He is a God who loves YOU.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
Even if you prepare yourself you will still run into various types of people. What do we do?
That’s next.
#2: What You Can Do with the Foolish, Evil, and Wise
Last time we explored the role of discernment of people. This led us into looking at three basic biblical types of people identified by Henry Cloud. So here are some ideas for dealing well with each in a season of potential holiday family conflict for you.
With the Foolish
Be aware of God’s calls. There are times we are called to serve the foolish (or at least those who may change like the prodigal son). But the question for prayer and discernment is what is God calling your part to be?
We can’t do it all for everyone. And knowing our role is important because we can exhaust ourselves in helping.
Or prevent the foolish from growing by preventing consequences. We may enable their error and disable their ability to grow. (Again, the prodigal son story shows how wise the father was with the foolish son.) Discern your call in their life — and what you are able to do.
So don’t avoid. Don’t overfunction. Know how to listen well. And live God’s call with them.
With the Evil
Draw all the more near to Christ. Jesus’ life was filled with such moments of engaging with evil and stepping away.
Don’t dwell in the anxiety or reactiveness that rises in you in being with the person. Instead dwell (or abide) with Jesus first. In him, wise boundaries can be made.
We are reminded to live at peace with all but that peace may look like different things. And setting boundaries is not a bad thing especially as it moves into abuse or toxic relationships. For example, don’t let yourself be relationally triangled by them.
And, in these extremes, these people can lull you in and exhaust you so how is your “bucket” of emotion and physical energy? If getting low, it may be good to just plain avoid them. Take time to walk and pray or spend time in the Bible.
Afterward, work toward forgiving these people. (Note: This does not mean opening every door to them; just that you forgive.)
With the Wise
Engage them often in your holiday gathering. They will be a source and resource of life in the midst of complicated relationships. Take time with the wise person to refresh.
No one immediately wise in the gathering? Invite a wise friend to pray for you in your gathering and ask if you can give them a call over the time you are with your family.
While the holidays have great opportunity for joy, the reality is often a bit more complex. And, whatever occurs, God is with you. He will not waste anything and even bring new growth in you from your trial.
May His presence and peace fill your Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, Easter, or whatever family gathering you are entering!
Resource
Holiday Family Conflict And Relationship Challenges: Finding Some Peace On Earth (Or How To Have Goodwill Toward All) This includes five ways to think in more Christian ways in conflict or challenge.
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