Note: This is part of a 3-part series on tools in conflict.
- Part 2: Explore “triangulation” (a core symptom of unhealthy conflict), what to watch for, and what to do for others — and yourself.
- Part 3: Four practical points for using curiosity over cutoff coming from Paul in Philippians 3:15-16.
Learning from conflict is not easy. In the moment, it can be everything from a challenging intellectual argument to high emotion moments to personal attacks.
And there are plenty of good conflict skill ideas. But are there some conflict tools for Christians to follow Jesus in such times?
Yes!
It’d be great if conflict stayed in one area but you see it in marriage, family life, church, work teams, big events (weddings, funerals, etc.), or even brief moments. Conflict can be hard to manage externally as well as internally.
- We don’t want to appear weak.
- It triggers something from our past where we failed or were put down.
- A concern we will always have to give into “that” co-worker or family member.
But nothing is wasted. There is a different path that God often works through. It’s not always light or comfortable but it is like Jesus — and can bring hope and life to conflict.
There is a different path that God often works through. It’s not always light or comfortable but it is like Jesus — and can bring hope and life to conflict.
Why Conflict Grows
Many times conflict triggers us biologically. It grabs our most reactive part of our brain, floods our minds with racing thoughts, and defensiveness rises. Soon that escalates to not wanting to give ground or a “I have to win” mentality develops — even though the issue may be small.
Basically, in conflict, once someone is building a wall, something in us is not willing to take it down.
So we add a brick.
And then the other person adds a brick.
Repeat.
And soon a wall of conflict is built that is bigger than the issue itself.
Escalation Can Be Avoided: My Story
Over my work career in various areas, I’ve run into this temptation. I remember one difficult conversation where a meeting was requested. The discussion rather quickly floated to criticism, some legit and some not. It prompted defensiveness as it wandered a bit more into questioning of motives and goals.
The beginnings of a defensiveness began to rise. And I was “grabbing a brick.”
“What do I do?”
There are plenty of times I’ve missed this and either “got big” or became too passive. Thankfully, this was a time that I was aware of what I was experiencing inside before it overtook my behavior outside. So this time, I drilled down, realized my reactiveness, and that there may be a more gospel or Kingdom way to respond.
What did I do? God seemed to lead me to slow it down and rather than press back just communicate concern, listening, heart desires, and explain the misunderstanding. And even apologize where needed.
In this, I went with vulnerability. By that I don’t mean pandering or weak. The approach was one of rooting myself in Jesus and going with a gospel-rooted vulnerability and “emptying of self.”
The result? A different atmosphere developed. The person became less aggressive and the situation clarified.
When we don’t feed into the anxiety in the room, the fuel for conflict often decreases. But, to do that, we need to be able to absorb the conflict and not let it dictate our response. And the best way to do that is being rooted in Jesus.
When we don’t feed into the anxiety in the room, the fuel for conflict often decreases. But, to do that, we need to be able to absorb the conflict and not let it dictate our response. And the best way to do that is being rooted in Jesus.
But the question comes: Did Jesus take such an approach?
Jesus’ Approach to Life: Kenosis and the Cross
One of the key theological themes in the history of the Christian life is around the idea of what the original language called kenosis. It was recognized as a central element to Jesus’ identity and life — as well as one that the follower of Jesus lives in.
The term comes from the description of Jesus shared in Philippians 2. The concept is especially brought out in verses 6-8.
6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
And kenosis is translated or expressed in various ways:
- made himself nothing
- emptied himself
- set aside the privileges of deity
Sounds tough, but it is not just about him — it’s about us too. It is clearly a spiritual discipline that shapes us like him. So how can one take steps into this way of life following Jesus?
“I Struggle with Being Vulnerable in Conflict”
While not easy, here are a few ideas to grow in this:
- Reframe conflict. When it comes (and it will), be aware that God’s grace is also at work. In what way? Perhaps bringing something unique — in a project (improving it, finding problems) or relationships (deepening connection or trust) or personally (growth in Christ, humility, etc.). Go with a “God may be doing something here that I can’t see.”
- Before (and during such moments): Where is your identity? Too tied to appearing a certain way? Or mainly your work or role? Or doing a perfect job? Or what others’ think of you? Move toward realizing God doesn’t need you to impress Him. Root yourself in your identity in God first.
- How much do people have to agree with you? Can you keep relationship with those you disagree? This is basically checking spiritual health by evaluating your differentiation of self or nonanxious presence. Check this out for some practical spiritual direction to grow in this.
Your Faithfulness is NOT Wasted.
After Jesus walked his path to complete emptiness in dying, experiencing some of the greatest of conflict, Paul notes:
Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Ours won’t be quite that high — but God will lift us up. It may not be immediately in the conflict (or — it might be!) but it will come.
In your next conflict, may you see Christ near you — having walked the same path.
Next Time: What Brings Conflict in Family, Team, or Church?
We continue the series with exploring a key element or two that causes conflict or difficulty to a family, team, or church.
Check Out the Series
- Part 1: A personal lesson on how to follow Jesus into “emptying” ourselves in conflict.
- Part 2: Explore “triangulation” (a core symptom of unhealthy conflict), what to watch for, and what to do for others — and yourself.
- Part 3: Four practical points for using curiosity over cutoff coming from Paul in Philippians 3:15-16.
