This is part of a 3-part series on tools in conflict.
- Part 1: A personal lesson on how to follow Jesus into “emptying” ourselves in conflict.
- Part 3: Four practical points for using curiosity over cutoff coming from Paul in Philippians 3:15-16.
We’ve all seen it. We’ve all experienced it.
A once enjoyable work team suddenly is dreaded. A church that had a great sense of mission and direction is in regular conflict. Extended family moments suddenly blow up into argumentative Christmas’s, funerals, or other gatherings.
While sin and brokenness ripple out and the impacts spread, there are very functional elements that are chosen, often unknowingly, in how we deal with things.
While sin and brokenness ripple out and the impacts spread, there are very functional elements that are chosen, often unknowingly, in how we deal with things.
But we do not have to be victims. There is opportunity for us to help bring change — to us as well as others.
What is Triangulation? The Unhealthy “Third”
The dynamics of any relational system are complicated. Whether it’s a family, a church plant or long-established church, a work team, or even a corporation, there are rhythms of relationship that develop.
And not all of them are healthy.
One way these dynamics of relationship play out is in triangulation. There’s a few key thoughts:
- Conflict often comes between two, whether individuals or groups.
- In conflict, there is anxiety/stress injected into those relationships. It might be a misunderstanding, a deadline, or other element.
- To release that stress, one side begins talking to a third. Gossip, “prayer requests”, expecting a boss to fix it first, toxic or inaccurate descriptions given to the third party can all be expressions of this.
- Soon you have three parties involved, usually with one not knowing a third is involved. Ultimately this causes trust issues.
What happens for a follower of Christ in this? One way to think about it is that our identity in Christ is flooded by the concern in such a way that it pushes us out of a nonanxious presence. We root ourselves in the anxiety rather than in Christ.
As a result, to drain off that stress, an “unhealthy third” is brought in.
Such times are difficult. I’ve seen and experienced it done well — and not well. And “not well” is never worth the damage.
How is Christian Maturity Part of Triangulation
One of God’s great works is to express in His people the reality of what humanity was to look like originally. Among those was the image of healthy relationship. And not just at an individual level but also at the community level.
This is expressed in Old Testament Israelite laws such as in how to live out justice in the midst of various status and experiences (widow, married, male/female, etc.). (Learn more with this Bible Project resource video and teaching.) It was meant to give life. And then to New Testament expressions in things like the “one another.” (A list and more info here.)
But all these were expressing what a life lived together with others looks like with God as King and as a Heavenly Father. This was His hope for all of humanity.
But all these were expressing what a life lived together with others looks like with God as King and as a Heavenly Father. This was His hope for all of humanity.
One place we see this expressed is in Matthew 18:15-20. Here Jesus deals with one of the most personal and practical issues: when someone wrongs another. In his teaching, we find him directing to begin one to one. We don’t immediately bring someone else in.
We don’t triangulate.
It doesn’t always have to be people though. We see this “unhealthy third” with Adam and Eve. When they sin they cover themselves. In the midst of their relationship with God the coverings become the triangulation: they deal with their anxiety by trying to cover it rather than coming to God in the nakedness of their wrong and repenting.
A “third” is brought in to put between the two.
Dealing with Triangulation: Your Own
In dealing with difficult things, it’s always good to start with yourself. One of the core elements of Christian maturity is taking responsibility for ourselves. To own our sin or brokenness and choose to turn to or repent, seeking God’s forgiveness.
So how can you make changes in your own patterns? Here are a couple ideas.
Listen for when you talk about someone else to others.
Sounds basic, right? And many times what you hear will be reasonable — BUT you will find times you may be complaining or sabotaging a situation or person. A quick test: is what you are saying something you would say in front of the other person? (And maybe should be!)
Be aware of when you are frustrated or feeling anxiety.
Just being observant of our inner experience can be hugely significant. When does that friend become a stress? Or that work project causes you to complain about someone? This can be the first ingredient to unhealthy patterns.
How are your spiritual rhythms?
Are you a bit “off” in your walk with God? Are you confessing when you triangulate? Journaling a prayer on your observations or on that hard situation can all help deal better with the challenges in relationship.
Dealing with Triangulation: Others
After addressing our tendencies (BTW, not a one-time thing), we can better deal with others. Not only are we more humble but we understand what may be occurring.
This is where I have seen many churches and Christians practice this idea well. There is a natural inclination to Matthew 18 purely from an authority of the Bible standpoint.
It’s good to remind ourselves: Anything that lies in the authority of the Bible is also an expression of life-giving patterns. So, yes, it’s about obedience, but in that we find our own lives enriched. God is good and His intentions toward you — without lapse — are for good.
Anything that lies in the authority of the Bible is also an expression of life-giving patterns.
Here are some ideas for what to do with others whether you are part of or leading a group (family, team, church, etc.):
Set a Culture: When you hear complaining about others, encourage them to talk to that person directly.
If a Christian, you can even point to Matthew 18 and offer to be involved if things don’t resolve. If not a Christian, this is just good team dynamics or healthy relationships. There are places of lament or listening but be careful of enabling an unhealthy pattern.
When you triangle in a third person, own it.
This is often a way to repent and helps build your community. Whether a Christian context or not, go back to the person acknowledging it was not good for the group’s health. Modeling, whether by leader or team/family member, goes a long way.
Address it. It helps them!
You help the person be better in their other contexts (home, work, church). You are blessing them by speaking into this! They may not have come from a home or workplace that functioned well — and now they have a new tool.
But such healthy practices are essential to the effective functioning of your team or family — it’s moving toward how God desired life to be.
Everyone comes with their own set of challenges. For some this area will be harder. For others not. But such healthy practices are essential to the effective functioning of your team or family — it’s moving toward how God desired life to be. And — if nothing else — it is being faithful in a concrete expression of love, for others and God.
Check Out the Series
This is part of a 3-part series on tools in conflict.
- Part 1: A personal lesson on how to follow Jesus into “emptying” ourselves in conflict.
- Part 2: Explore “triangulation” (a core symptom of unhealthy conflict), what to watch for, and what to do for others — and yourself.
- Part 3: Four practical points for using curiosity over cutoff coming from Paul in Philippians 3:15-16.
